Sanctuario de mashushu

Spending the 24th of December in a lonely apartment near the hospital. I feel stuck in between the life that I hoped to have achieved by now, and the reality that I did not achieve it. I feel lonely, unhappy, sad, and empty... too many negative emotions just fills me up every holiday. I feel the need to do something about it. I'm 35, and perhaps I've lived half my life and it's time to move on... make myself happy for once. So today, I am letting go of all the past heartaches my past mistakes have taught me. Perhaps it is best to start of by being honest that I have never trully loved any of the guys I dated.. I am really a lonely person because I don't have a stable and secure relationship with my family. Growing up I couldn't identify with a mother who constantly nagged, a father who wasn't even there to provide. How do I let go of this reality that I still have to face every day of my life? I don't know but perhaps I should stay away, keep a distance, constantly forgive, and accept the reality that I can no longer change things as they are. I feel like nobody loves me. Lonely, sad, I dunno what the hell that even means but how can I feel loved when I am just a chore? when I am only remembered when I am needed... Nobody remembers me just because? How I can deal with this reality? I don't know... I don't know how where and how to find the courage to face this throughout my life. But perhaps I should start by loving myself every day.. get rid of one bad habit each time... I will first take good care of my body and soul.. two of which, I only have access to. Start eating healthier..making better choices.. no fast food, no fried foods, and definitely no junk foods. I should try to rest early.. get enough, and be kind to myself at all times. Never rely on other people for support.. just a few for wise words...