Victim of circumstances

It has been 5 days since I was verbally abused by supposedly mentor, and this week has been one of the darkest moments in my life. Suddenly I found myself breaking down with the criticism of people whom I don't respect at all, and this incident hit me to the very core of my being. In some quiet moments I've had this week, I meditated on where these reactions are coming from... and I've realized I have not been processing my emotions properly, and I have not taken any action either to make myself emotional well. I'm writing down in this blog-turned-diary because I want to improve and develop myself further. By writing down all these thoughts, I hope I can let go and free myself of some unwanted emotions, thoughts, and all the shit in between. So first, let me discuss my predominant feelings at the moment.. They're all negative.. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, and scared. Because I feel my life is just passing with all my hopes and dreams in it. I feel sad in my career because despite being the chief of the current training program where I am at, I do not feel any hint of seniority. There are so many times that I feel that my juniors know better than I do, and this makes me really feel insecure about myself. I find myself blaming my mentors and thinking that I am a victim of circumstances to cover up for everything. Of course this doesn't make me feel better at all, and in fact, it makes me feel worse. It drives me to too many negative thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed. I'm sad because I feel alone in this so-called-journey-to-greatness. I feel like all my efforts doesn't count. I feel that I am not given the credit or recognition that's due to me. I feel that my mentors are so unfair with how I am being treated. My deep sentiment goes back to all the sufferings of residency (which I carelessly applied for). I feel that the junior residents now, are particularly more privileged than I am, and that I have lost the respect of my consultants. I feel powerless over all these circumstances, and I feel that I have nothing left to give to make the situation better. I feel frustrated that despite all my efforts and time spent pleasing others, they think of me as a stupid resident who doesn't have any idea what she's doing when she's operating. I honestly feel tired of everything. Training and working at the same time. My mom asks me for money to support household expenses and the kids of my sister. This frustrates me so much because my sister doesn't do anything at home. I feel like I am on a losing end here because if I do not support them, I'd be guilty and my beloved brother will suffer the consequences o my actions. I feel helpless and lost. I feel like I do not have anybody to lean on. Since this diary is supposed to be a mental hack, this is my attempt at finding myself and my way through this mess I've made in my mind. Here are the potential solutions to let go of all these negative emotions... Residency training - Study more (everyday reading aside from before and after operative cases) - Be prepared for conferences (Weekly census, finish logbook) - Become better at handling criticisms (Before conferences, condition yourself 3 days before, meditate) - Let go of the need to please consultants - Let go of the need to feel "senior" - Look for better opportunities in Vienna - Accomplish all requirements (logbooks, operative cases, and research) - Aim high for the future (apply for fellowship, make publishable papers) - Simple hack: Hold all opinions in - Become comfortable with having the need to do things on your own - Make self less available for others - Be passionate about every opportunity (cases) that comes your way Relationships - Let go of the past - Every night, think about a bad memory to let go - Pray every morning and night, ask for redemption - Provide sensibly I will strive to do all of these. To take the higher moral ground. Let go of bad thoughts. Look forward to better days. Be kind to oneself, engage in self-compassion, mindfulness. LESS TIME FOR OTHERS.

Sanctuario de mashushu

Spending the 24th of December in a lonely apartment near the hospital. I feel stuck in between the life that I hoped to have achieved by now, and the reality that I did not achieve it. I feel lonely, unhappy, sad, and empty... too many negative emotions just fills me up every holiday. I feel the need to do something about it. I'm 35, and perhaps I've lived half my life and it's time to move on... make myself happy for once. So today, I am letting go of all the past heartaches my past mistakes have taught me. Perhaps it is best to start of by being honest that I have never trully loved any of the guys I dated.. I am really a lonely person because I don't have a stable and secure relationship with my family. Growing up I couldn't identify with a mother who constantly nagged, a father who wasn't even there to provide. How do I let go of this reality that I still have to face every day of my life? I don't know but perhaps I should stay away, keep a distance, constantly forgive, and accept the reality that I can no longer change things as they are. I feel like nobody loves me. Lonely, sad, I dunno what the hell that even means but how can I feel loved when I am just a chore? when I am only remembered when I am needed... Nobody remembers me just because? How I can deal with this reality? I don't know... I don't know how where and how to find the courage to face this throughout my life. But perhaps I should start by loving myself every day.. get rid of one bad habit each time... I will first take good care of my body and soul.. two of which, I only have access to. Start eating healthier..making better choices.. no fast food, no fried foods, and definitely no junk foods. I should try to rest early.. get enough, and be kind to myself at all times. Never rely on other people for support.. just a few for wise words...