On Becoming Happy

I've been feeling lost, disillusioned, angry, and very sad lately. I've been distracting myself with work, responsibilities, and self-imposed suffering. I was on the internet, searching for whatever comes my way. After watching lea salonga's audition to miss saigon, lady gaga's road to stardom, shocking red carpet dresses, and reading about this interesting post about Steve's Jobs thoughts of leadership (on being accountable for everything, and not making excuses), I stumbled upon Father Jerry Orbos' homily on how to be happy. As a young girl, I was exposed to Father Jerry Orbos' homily because of my mom's devotion to attending Sunday Mass. As far as I recall, I first heard of Fr Orbos' homily on a sunday TV mass. He made a lasting impact on me as he always emphasizes, God loves you, Mama Mary loves you. I remember his devotion to the blessed Mary, as he always emphasizes on the importance of praying the rosary. It is perhaps serendipitous to see Fr. Jerry Orbos' homily on youtube while im going through so much in life. I've been so down that I'm beginning to believe that I have clinical signs of depression or burnout. After hearing his homily, I realized that what weighs me down so much is not being able to let go of my resentment, being overly jealous, being overly critical of myself and others. Lately, as I am barely two weeks from my birthday, I feel so lost in life, and I feel that I haven't achieved much. Listening to that homily made me realize how ungrateful I've been for all the blessings, and I have more blessings than my problems. Perhaps the solution to my current situation are the simple solutions he mentioned: Eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love immeasurably. While doing these I have to let go of my resentment - - - that is a tough one for me because it is hard to let go of something that keeps on recurring each time. The unfair treatment from a mentor, their biases, general lack of recognition for my efforts. I've reached the last year of my training, yet I feel unrecognized for everything that I have done. I may have not done much, but I feel that being the most senior resident in training, I've given up so much more. More time, more effort. These are left recognized because it is not published, or perhaps because it is expected? Or nothing out of the ordinary. Tonight before i rest, I will let go of it all. I've given up so much and there is so much more to give. I will free myself from all self-imposed doubts, and I will begin to trust my efforts. Perhaps this is also why I had to read Steve Job's thoughts - - to be accountable. To give no excuses. Thank you Lord for reminding me that you are there watching me, and guiding me. Thank you for your gentle reminder that everything happens for a reason, and where I am right now, is where I needed to be. (Oh I also stumbled upon that article but I closed it. Steve Job's article looked more appealing to me). Thank you Lord for a complete family. Please help me recognize the efforts of the people around me. Thank you for your gentle reminder not to take thing seriously all the time, and to remain humble. Give me strength Lord, to fulfill the life that you've set out for me to live. Please show me a clear sign on where you want me to go, and which direction I should take. I will trust myself more, and reflect on what I should do. Thank you.

On being lost

Not only do I feel lost, but I am lost. All the aspects of my life are coming down the drain. I've gotten old enough to realize that I barely have any functional friends left because everyone is busy taking care of their issues in life. My home, is no longer mine. I've lost a family who cares deeply for me.. or might have realized there never was. They only cared when I am facing the odds of my health. I lost mentors whom I respected so much. They weren't as respectable as I thought. They are capable of being unreasonable, egotistic, unkind, and uncaring. I feel lost in an uncaring world because I was made to believe that I live in a safe and loving world. How do I live my dreams in this harsh reality? How do I thrive? I do not know. I no longer possess the confidence I once had. I am in a dark place, and I do not want to be rescued. I want to see the light for myself. I do not know how to move on with grace. Lord help me find it within me.