Why I need a Sid

In the movie, "Sid and Aya: Not a Lovestory", Sid became wise because of his life's experiences. He's an insomiac, who's willing to pay for a stranger to keep him company. He met Aya, a hardworking barista-laundry-girl-carnival-actress, who happens to need money. They ended up in a business partnership, wherein Aya gets paid to keep him company at night.

 I need a Sid for many reasons. I need a guy who needs me - and who can meet me half way to meet my needs to. Sid was a jerk for sleeping with Aya, then asking him to be friends with her. But aren't all men jerks? Later on, he ended up realizing what he lost, making it up to Aya by going to Japan. I need a guy who realizes his mistakes, and spends a lot of effort making up for it. Sid is crazy, he spends money/effort on stuff which are impractical for others, but is considered an investment for him. I need a guy like that - someone who believes in something, someone who is willing to go against common traditions, just because.

 But where is my Sid? I don't know. Some day, i hope, i'll be the Black Swan for my Sid.

On Becoming Happy

I've been feeling lost, disillusioned, angry, and very sad lately. I've been distracting myself with work, responsibilities, and self-imposed suffering. I was on the internet, searching for whatever comes my way. After watching lea salonga's audition to miss saigon, lady gaga's road to stardom, shocking red carpet dresses, and reading about this interesting post about Steve's Jobs thoughts of leadership (on being accountable for everything, and not making excuses), I stumbled upon Father Jerry Orbos' homily on how to be happy. As a young girl, I was exposed to Father Jerry Orbos' homily because of my mom's devotion to attending Sunday Mass. As far as I recall, I first heard of Fr Orbos' homily on a sunday TV mass. He made a lasting impact on me as he always emphasizes, God loves you, Mama Mary loves you. I remember his devotion to the blessed Mary, as he always emphasizes on the importance of praying the rosary. It is perhaps serendipitous to see Fr. Jerry Orbos' homily on youtube while im going through so much in life. I've been so down that I'm beginning to believe that I have clinical signs of depression or burnout. After hearing his homily, I realized that what weighs me down so much is not being able to let go of my resentment, being overly jealous, being overly critical of myself and others. Lately, as I am barely two weeks from my birthday, I feel so lost in life, and I feel that I haven't achieved much. Listening to that homily made me realize how ungrateful I've been for all the blessings, and I have more blessings than my problems. Perhaps the solution to my current situation are the simple solutions he mentioned: Eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love immeasurably. While doing these I have to let go of my resentment - - - that is a tough one for me because it is hard to let go of something that keeps on recurring each time. The unfair treatment from a mentor, their biases, general lack of recognition for my efforts. I've reached the last year of my training, yet I feel unrecognized for everything that I have done. I may have not done much, but I feel that being the most senior resident in training, I've given up so much more. More time, more effort. These are left recognized because it is not published, or perhaps because it is expected? Or nothing out of the ordinary. Tonight before i rest, I will let go of it all. I've given up so much and there is so much more to give. I will free myself from all self-imposed doubts, and I will begin to trust my efforts. Perhaps this is also why I had to read Steve Job's thoughts - - to be accountable. To give no excuses. Thank you Lord for reminding me that you are there watching me, and guiding me. Thank you for your gentle reminder that everything happens for a reason, and where I am right now, is where I needed to be. (Oh I also stumbled upon that article but I closed it. Steve Job's article looked more appealing to me). Thank you Lord for a complete family. Please help me recognize the efforts of the people around me. Thank you for your gentle reminder not to take thing seriously all the time, and to remain humble. Give me strength Lord, to fulfill the life that you've set out for me to live. Please show me a clear sign on where you want me to go, and which direction I should take. I will trust myself more, and reflect on what I should do. Thank you.

On being lost

Not only do I feel lost, but I am lost. All the aspects of my life are coming down the drain. I've gotten old enough to realize that I barely have any functional friends left because everyone is busy taking care of their issues in life. My home, is no longer mine. I've lost a family who cares deeply for me.. or might have realized there never was. They only cared when I am facing the odds of my health. I lost mentors whom I respected so much. They weren't as respectable as I thought. They are capable of being unreasonable, egotistic, unkind, and uncaring. I feel lost in an uncaring world because I was made to believe that I live in a safe and loving world. How do I live my dreams in this harsh reality? How do I thrive? I do not know. I no longer possess the confidence I once had. I am in a dark place, and I do not want to be rescued. I want to see the light for myself. I do not know how to move on with grace. Lord help me find it within me.

The Charlotte in Me

In "Drama Queens", Charlotte laments being single, and comes up with an oversimplified solution to search for the man in her dreams. I find myself relating to her as she shows up with a self-help book over breakfast with her girlfriends. She's enthused while discussing the application of business strategies to finding her mate. I can relate to this because being a loner that I am, I find myself searching for answers in books, because I've long given up, failing to find answers in my past conversations with friends and family.

Like Charlotte, I feel the need to be with someone. As they say, I am not getting any younger. But really I find myself in a dilemma. I don't want a relationship. The truth is, I want romance to be around whenever I need it to be. Otherwise, I want to be by myself, and to enjoy the beauty of being lonely. I know, I am selfish. But I'm just being honest with what I want.

I've been in two long relationships. Both came to an end in a manner that was not so peaceful. Mark cheated on me, and I ended my relationship with Erick by cheating on him. I feel that those two relationships made me experience it all. The beauty of "love" as all emotions are there, the pain, the joy, and the sorrow that comes with losing it. Starting with everything - feeling that everything is aligned, and at some uncertain point, feelings die down and the emotions that once made me feel ecstatic is gone with it.

I do not fear having a romantic relationship... just that based on my experience, maybe it isn't all worth it if it were to end.

But then again, the character of Charlotte resonates something within me. Perhaps a childhood fantasy of having a prince charming. The hope of meeting someone special in the most unexpected manner - when Charlotte met Tray in a near-death vehicular accident. Somewhere buried deep within me is a memoir of being a hopeless romantic. I somehow fancy meeting someone who has it all together in a surprising manner.

Will i ever?

On Absorbing Negative Energy

I try my best to forget the injustices of training but because I'm still a trainee, I am exposed to multiple circumstances of that fact. Well perhaps because I'm still living within it. Few minutes ago, a junior resident told me that he was assisted by one of my mentors (who doens't invest time to assist me). When I was in my junior resident's shoes, he left me be taught by his chief resident, who of course, is very inexperienced compared to him. He trusted that resident so much that everything I worked hard for turned into a void when that resident unfairly judged me on how I conduct my surgeries. Again, I am reminded of how bad it feels, to work so hard, only to lose it over politics. As usual, to get rid of ill emotions, I succumb to cleaning, which literally and figuratively allows me to clean out negative thoughts. Perhaps there's some cosmic significance to occurences and the universe heard my plea on this quiet Sunday night. I stumbled upon an article entitled, "5 ways to stop abosrbing negative energy". So here are the 5 ways:

 1. Remember, you can't please everyone 

 What is difficult for me to let go is the fact that I worked so hard to please this mentor. I took care of my reputation, only to be ruined by the judgment of someone. I admit that I am still a newb in this profession, and I have room to develop my career. I counted on this mentor so much to teach me because I developed a deep admiration for his surgical skills. However, to my disappointment, he did not invest in me. I do not know how to accept that. But I have to do whatever it takes to forget on pleasing him, and to concentrate on improving myself. Right now I have two pending cases with him: a surgical case and a research proposal. I have to concentrate on both - for myself, and not to please him.

 2. Be careful who you invite in your life 

 This is a great reminder. I need to learn to say no to people I don't have to invest in.

 3. Stop paying attention 

 Thanks for the reminder universe!

 4. Breathe in nature 

 Ok my exams are coming up, but I need to find time to do this. Really.

 5. Take 100% responsibility for your thoughts and emotions 

 This I totally agree with. I will only think of positive thoughts for myself, and feel good for myself. I've been taking the necessary steps to take care of myself lately, and I will improve in the next coming days.


Link to the article: https://consciousreminder.com/2018/06/03/you-need-to-stop-absorbing-other-peoples-negative-energy-and-this-is-how-to-do-it/?fbclid=IwAR0ce0p-ezehEfqsp3JBpYl03XM6KkcseFwkWC-E6fFAisbbo5QWcZdiTxM

On your wedding day

This is a Korean film that illustrates realism of our love lives. It revolves around themes of failure, regret, self-realization, and acceptance. Failure because we don't get everything that we want in our lives. We set goals, dreams, and have aspirations only to fail at it. Unfortunately, there are no simplified steps at getting what you want in life. But based on my 3 decades of experience, showing up each day is a good start. But of course it is not enough. I've long envied people who pretty seem to get what they want easily, as if they did not go through hardship. I've repeatedly ask myself, what is it that they have that i don't? Or what have they done to achieve things that I've wanted? What is it I am doing wrong? Like in the movie, I felt the main character's (Hwang) regret when he lost the love of his life. He lost her over saying something that deeply upset her. And then again, this is a constant reminder of how powerful words can be.

I've had the deepest heartaches mostly on what was said to me, rather than what was done to me. My recurrent heartache lately is what one of my mentors told me roughly 7 months ago when I was unfairly extended in training. He made me feel that I did not deserve my current position as the chief resident of neurosurgery, saying and putting it into formal writing that I earned my position through seniority, and not through hard work. My insecurities resurfaced being told that. Perhaps what I lack if a solid foundation of self-confidence. If I had enough self-confidence, my self-security wouldn't have been threatened and that I wouldn't have felt really bad about it, reliving the heartache over and over again. This leads to a deeper question, how does one gain self-confidence?

Ruth Kanfer, an American Psychologist from Minessota studied self-confidence in relation to motivation. Based on her discussion, self-confidence is one's personal judgment over one's capability to achieve one's goal. She basically created a simplified model on the relationship of self-confidence to motivation stating that there are two key components to motivation, which are goal choice and self-regulation. From Learning, Remembering and Believing: Enhancing Human performance, written in 1994: "Self-regulation, in turn, consists of three related sets of activities: self-monitoring, self-evaluation, and self-reactions. Self-monitoring provides information about current performance, which is then evaluated by comparing that performance with one's goal. The comparison between performance and goal results in two distinct types of self-reactions: self-satisfaction or -dissatisfaction and self-confidence expectations. Satisfaction or dissatisfaction is an affective response to past actions; self-confidence expectations are judgments about one's future capabilities to attain one's goal. This framework allows a discussion of self-confidence as it relates to a number of motivational processes, including setting goals and causal attributions."

 Another important theory that is related to this is Banduria's self-efficacy theory, which simplified states that an individual's previous experience of successes, external factors such as, recognition from others, favorable work environment, words of encouragement, plays a key role in self-efficacy. To sum it all up, an individual's perceptions about himself and the environment, is the key to self-confidence. This plays an important role to achieve success. Having said this, I need to remind myself how much I've achieved and how far I've come in achieving my dreams. Warren Buffet writes "You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you, that means everyone else can control you. Breath and allow things to pass." Reading all of this, i sum it all up that self-confidence can only come from within, when you're in an unfavorable environment. 

Going back to the film, the guy regrets losing her when he finds out that the love of is life getting married. To my surprise, he went to the wedding, not to talk her into marrying him, but to tell her things he never said before. Although this seems like a sad story, this deeply resonates with me. Lately, I've been battling with insecurity and depression because I don't seem to get the things that I want in life. However, this film drives a lesson to my core. Time passes and I can no longer bring back lost opportunities and things that I wasn't able to do. I cannot blame myself totally, knowing what I've done what I can. Sure there are days that I played it slow but every human being deserves to rest. I believe that more than others, I should give myself more credit for being here. Being able to handle both neurosurgery and my job as a writer, while surviving through renal failure is a major achievement that nobody can ever take away from me. I should forget getting recognition from others because one, not too many people know that I work to pay for my own expenses, and two, nobody will ever understand how it feels like to survive through transplant except me. 

I was about to say that I did not like the ending, but thinking about how much room it provided for self-realization, all in all it is a good film! 

Movie information link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_Your_Wedding_Day

Victim of circumstances

It has been 5 days since I was verbally abused by supposedly mentor, and this week has been one of the darkest moments in my life. Suddenly I found myself breaking down with the criticism of people whom I don't respect at all, and this incident hit me to the very core of my being. In some quiet moments I've had this week, I meditated on where these reactions are coming from... and I've realized I have not been processing my emotions properly, and I have not taken any action either to make myself emotional well. I'm writing down in this blog-turned-diary because I want to improve and develop myself further. By writing down all these thoughts, I hope I can let go and free myself of some unwanted emotions, thoughts, and all the shit in between. So first, let me discuss my predominant feelings at the moment.. They're all negative.. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, and scared. Because I feel my life is just passing with all my hopes and dreams in it. I feel sad in my career because despite being the chief of the current training program where I am at, I do not feel any hint of seniority. There are so many times that I feel that my juniors know better than I do, and this makes me really feel insecure about myself. I find myself blaming my mentors and thinking that I am a victim of circumstances to cover up for everything. Of course this doesn't make me feel better at all, and in fact, it makes me feel worse. It drives me to too many negative thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed. I'm sad because I feel alone in this so-called-journey-to-greatness. I feel like all my efforts doesn't count. I feel that I am not given the credit or recognition that's due to me. I feel that my mentors are so unfair with how I am being treated. My deep sentiment goes back to all the sufferings of residency (which I carelessly applied for). I feel that the junior residents now, are particularly more privileged than I am, and that I have lost the respect of my consultants. I feel powerless over all these circumstances, and I feel that I have nothing left to give to make the situation better. I feel frustrated that despite all my efforts and time spent pleasing others, they think of me as a stupid resident who doesn't have any idea what she's doing when she's operating. I honestly feel tired of everything. Training and working at the same time. My mom asks me for money to support household expenses and the kids of my sister. This frustrates me so much because my sister doesn't do anything at home. I feel like I am on a losing end here because if I do not support them, I'd be guilty and my beloved brother will suffer the consequences o my actions. I feel helpless and lost. I feel like I do not have anybody to lean on. Since this diary is supposed to be a mental hack, this is my attempt at finding myself and my way through this mess I've made in my mind. Here are the potential solutions to let go of all these negative emotions... Residency training - Study more (everyday reading aside from before and after operative cases) - Be prepared for conferences (Weekly census, finish logbook) - Become better at handling criticisms (Before conferences, condition yourself 3 days before, meditate) - Let go of the need to please consultants - Let go of the need to feel "senior" - Look for better opportunities in Vienna - Accomplish all requirements (logbooks, operative cases, and research) - Aim high for the future (apply for fellowship, make publishable papers) - Simple hack: Hold all opinions in - Become comfortable with having the need to do things on your own - Make self less available for others - Be passionate about every opportunity (cases) that comes your way Relationships - Let go of the past - Every night, think about a bad memory to let go - Pray every morning and night, ask for redemption - Provide sensibly I will strive to do all of these. To take the higher moral ground. Let go of bad thoughts. Look forward to better days. Be kind to oneself, engage in self-compassion, mindfulness. LESS TIME FOR OTHERS.