Victim of circumstances

It has been 5 days since I was verbally abused by supposedly mentor, and this week has been one of the darkest moments in my life. Suddenly I found myself breaking down with the criticism of people whom I don't respect at all, and this incident hit me to the very core of my being. In some quiet moments I've had this week, I meditated on where these reactions are coming from... and I've realized I have not been processing my emotions properly, and I have not taken any action either to make myself emotional well. I'm writing down in this blog-turned-diary because I want to improve and develop myself further. By writing down all these thoughts, I hope I can let go and free myself of some unwanted emotions, thoughts, and all the shit in between. So first, let me discuss my predominant feelings at the moment.. They're all negative.. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, and scared. Because I feel my life is just passing with all my hopes and dreams in it. I feel sad in my career because despite being the chief of the current training program where I am at, I do not feel any hint of seniority. There are so many times that I feel that my juniors know better than I do, and this makes me really feel insecure about myself. I find myself blaming my mentors and thinking that I am a victim of circumstances to cover up for everything. Of course this doesn't make me feel better at all, and in fact, it makes me feel worse. It drives me to too many negative thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed. I'm sad because I feel alone in this so-called-journey-to-greatness. I feel like all my efforts doesn't count. I feel that I am not given the credit or recognition that's due to me. I feel that my mentors are so unfair with how I am being treated. My deep sentiment goes back to all the sufferings of residency (which I carelessly applied for). I feel that the junior residents now, are particularly more privileged than I am, and that I have lost the respect of my consultants. I feel powerless over all these circumstances, and I feel that I have nothing left to give to make the situation better. I feel frustrated that despite all my efforts and time spent pleasing others, they think of me as a stupid resident who doesn't have any idea what she's doing when she's operating. I honestly feel tired of everything. Training and working at the same time. My mom asks me for money to support household expenses and the kids of my sister. This frustrates me so much because my sister doesn't do anything at home. I feel like I am on a losing end here because if I do not support them, I'd be guilty and my beloved brother will suffer the consequences o my actions. I feel helpless and lost. I feel like I do not have anybody to lean on. Since this diary is supposed to be a mental hack, this is my attempt at finding myself and my way through this mess I've made in my mind. Here are the potential solutions to let go of all these negative emotions... Residency training - Study more (everyday reading aside from before and after operative cases) - Be prepared for conferences (Weekly census, finish logbook) - Become better at handling criticisms (Before conferences, condition yourself 3 days before, meditate) - Let go of the need to please consultants - Let go of the need to feel "senior" - Look for better opportunities in Vienna - Accomplish all requirements (logbooks, operative cases, and research) - Aim high for the future (apply for fellowship, make publishable papers) - Simple hack: Hold all opinions in - Become comfortable with having the need to do things on your own - Make self less available for others - Be passionate about every opportunity (cases) that comes your way Relationships - Let go of the past - Every night, think about a bad memory to let go - Pray every morning and night, ask for redemption - Provide sensibly I will strive to do all of these. To take the higher moral ground. Let go of bad thoughts. Look forward to better days. Be kind to oneself, engage in self-compassion, mindfulness. LESS TIME FOR OTHERS.

Sanctuario de mashushu

Spending the 24th of December in a lonely apartment near the hospital. I feel stuck in between the life that I hoped to have achieved by now, and the reality that I did not achieve it. I feel lonely, unhappy, sad, and empty... too many negative emotions just fills me up every holiday. I feel the need to do something about it. I'm 35, and perhaps I've lived half my life and it's time to move on... make myself happy for once. So today, I am letting go of all the past heartaches my past mistakes have taught me. Perhaps it is best to start of by being honest that I have never trully loved any of the guys I dated.. I am really a lonely person because I don't have a stable and secure relationship with my family. Growing up I couldn't identify with a mother who constantly nagged, a father who wasn't even there to provide. How do I let go of this reality that I still have to face every day of my life? I don't know but perhaps I should stay away, keep a distance, constantly forgive, and accept the reality that I can no longer change things as they are. I feel like nobody loves me. Lonely, sad, I dunno what the hell that even means but how can I feel loved when I am just a chore? when I am only remembered when I am needed... Nobody remembers me just because? How I can deal with this reality? I don't know... I don't know how where and how to find the courage to face this throughout my life. But perhaps I should start by loving myself every day.. get rid of one bad habit each time... I will first take good care of my body and soul.. two of which, I only have access to. Start eating healthier..making better choices.. no fast food, no fried foods, and definitely no junk foods. I should try to rest early.. get enough, and be kind to myself at all times. Never rely on other people for support.. just a few for wise words...

Altschmerz

Altschmerz n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago. Can't describe how I feel when I saw erick's prenup picture. Perhaps, the best way to describe it is being in an aftermath of a storm, when everything is silent and the sun is beginning to show itself again. There you sit, staring at the sky filled with hope and wonder. Yet when you look around you, what's left of the storm is still in chaos.I don't exactly know why I still feel this way really. When I think about it, I don't want him back....not even a bit, not at all. I'm not mad, angry, sad, or whatever. I do miss him sometimes... but nevertheless, it's better being apart. Despite these thoughts, somewhere within me is that dull, aching pain. It's not so severe, but it's just there...steady. Somehow as I imagined losing him (which I already did few years back!), tears started to fall. I couldn't figure it out... then out of nowhere I started to realize that perhaps there's a part of me that regrets staying with him for a long time... too long that my adult life passed me by. And I was never able to replace him.. not yet, probably not ever. You see, the reason why I broke up with Erick is because I lost the interest... I don't know if it was his fault. Perhaps it was the wrong timing. We were both at the time of our lives when we were just about to build our careers. We built it together. He helped me, and I helped him. But somewhere along the lines of helping, I stopped loving him. Our kilig moments turned into boring routines. I don't want to blame him anymore, but it just didn't work out. But anyway that's no longer the point. The point is.. I have to take a stride to move on. There's this unsettling feeling that I'm being left behind because I'm not in a state wherein I am happy. Somehow I am grateful for all the blessings I am receiving lately. The opportunities to provide for myself... Can't even imagine I can make that much for writing... me??? a writer??? WTH right. But for now, this is what sustains me. I'm grateful for the gift of privacy.. the opportunity to be alone in a room... the opportunity to have choices on what to do with my time... the opportunity to make a choice. And now, I choose to wipe the tears and not to embitter myself with whatever's left of yesterday. I can only look forward to loving myself. Perhaps to engage in a path of self-discovery...not because I feel lost, but because finally... I've found myself. The person who dreams. The person who pushes hard. The person who's unstoppable. The person who makes things happen.

Closing Remarks

By the end of this week, I will be temporarily closing a chapter in my life. As I write these words down, there's a continuous sinking feeling within me. The depth of which is unknown and I have no idea when that sinking feeling will stop. It seems that the conduct of neurosurgical training has evolved into something I barely recognize. I shall compare it to a degenerative disease. The course is unpredictable but downhill. This is not due to any sense of self-importance that I have, but just as an observations. Rounds have become superficial, lacking in formality. As one resident proudly puts it, they are in "auto-pilot" mode. Does seeing patients entail something that's run-of-the-mill? To obviate negative judgment on my co-residents, I turn back to the consultants who are supposedly regulating the conduct of training. I cannot help but ask, what led to the laxity of training? What happened to the value of bedside manners and patient care? I am not saying that they do not have both, to a certain extent they do, but clearly lacking as they do their rounds on an "auto-pilot" mode? My sinking feeling accounts for the fact that I am chief resident and all these behaviors somehow reflect on me and our training. I've passionately dedicated several years of my life looking after patients who are not my own with all the integrity and boldness that my mentors have taught me. Why is it now that the young ones are not being taught about these values? My mentor previously mentioned that they lack maturity. Nobody goes through neurosurgical training. It is a rigorous phase of professional development that naturally requires one to shed blood, sweat, and tears. But why does it seem like it is a walk in the park these days? As I pour out these sentiments, the sinking feeling continuous. I texted one of the residents to update me regarding two patients he missed updated me about. It has been 40 minutes since my last message and I haven't received a response. My disappointments are mounting to the size of Mount Mauna Loa, and I am afraid that I am repressing too much to the point of having another outburst that only I can understand. ----- LOL written months ago! Currently at qmmc having the time of my life lalalalala

The Value of a Woman

Today differs from my usual I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed Sunday. Having slept early at 1am last night, I spontaneously woke up really early to start my day. I planned so much for today because I envisioned this day to be special for it is mother's day. Unfortunately, things did not go well as planned and life happened again so I wasn't able to do execute any of my plans to commemorate my mother today. Nevertheless, I had an emergency plan of ordering food for lunch or dinner to celebrate at the very least. I greeted my mother this morning before she went to church. She looks pleased and when I asked her what she wanted for lunch, she told me she intended to cook and asked me not to get her anything instead. Pfft mothers. Sometimes they devalue themselves having been ridden by the usual household tasks that they do every day and all day. I don't know why it's commonplace for mothers to disregard their own happiness for the sake of getting things done. Perhaps some muchaha spread gossip that mothers should obsess over prioritizing household chores ahead of themselves just so they can relax and chill being yayas instead.

On a more serious note, this made me think about the value of a woman. Sushmita Senn, the famed 90's, Ms Universe gained her crown because she answered the question, "What is the essence of a woman?" She answered, "Just being a woman is God's gift that all of us must appreciate. The origin of a child is a mother, and is a woman. She shows a man, what sharing, caring and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman." I know it's an award-winning answer, but if we scrutinize carefully, is that really the essence of a woman? To have a child and be beside her man? I just feel that there's more to being a woman that just being feminized to fulfill society's imposed obligations of being a wife and a mother. What happens to the rest of us who decides not to marry? Or to bear a child? Does that makes us less of a woman? I'm afraid I honestly don't care what society thinks of me since I am single and unattached at 34. But I am concerned with how society treats women given her relative value to men. The assignment of gender-based roles is so historical, and if it continues to persist in a certain society, it is a reflection of poor progress in a civilization. Women will be limited to cooking, cleaning, and doing household chores that's expected of her. Men will be limited to putting food on the table. In the purest sense, such gender-roles do not only devaluate women, but it puts less value on the entirety of human beings. What then is our deference to Bonobos, or to chimpanzees who have gender-assigned roles to their household? It shouldn't take eons for human kind to figure this out.

While the nature of things relies on women to nurture an offspring, women should not be limited to such feminized idealizations. Women should put more purpose to their lives aside from being in the household, and taking care of their children. We should achieve more, dream more, and step outside the boundaries that society pressures us into. I am at the pinnacle of my 30's wherein I am expected to marry and "settle down". While I dream of sharing a life with someone, I also dream of contributing to the advancement of knowledge and application of brain and spine surgery. Living in a historical post-war society makes it difficult for me to find balance in achieving both. I've had a series of long-term relationships that made me realize what it means to "share a life", and so far, none has progressed since then. I'm still in the Neanderthal stage of learning the art and science of neurosurgery, and I have no definite timeline as to when I can find solace in any of my achievements. In spite of the odds, I still continue to value myself as a woman that I want to be. The value of a woman is akin to the value of a man. The natural order of things requires one exist with the other in order to progress and make significant contributions to the society and human evolution in a manner that we will never understand.